I know lots of people have trouble understanding the crap people in tech talk about, so I've assembled a translation guide.

Uber for <thing> - noun - A car service contacted via computer rather than phone call, but instead of a car service, some other sort of on-demand or regular, scheduled service.

Pandora for <thing> - noun - A radio station on a computer instead of over AM or FM radio waves, and instead of chosen by a DJ, chosen by an algorithm that tries to understand your music taste; except for something else involving taste instead of music.

Disrupt
verb

  1. Do a thing, but instead of doing it not-on-a-computer, do it on a computer

  2. Render several hundred to several tens of millions of people unemployed.

Innovate - verb - Make between 2 and 15 white and asian men extremely rich by disrupting something.

Venture Capitalist
noun

  1. A loan shark kicked out of Las Vegas for being too unethical.

  2. A person who gambles other people's money, like a hedge fund manger, but who believes that this makes them a good person.

Engineer - noun - A person who creates low quality products with reckless disregard for anyone who may use them.

Developer - noun - Sometimes also spelled "dev." An engineer either with a sense of shame, or with friends who are real engineers and who have threatened them.

Rockstar - noun - An engineer who treats other engineers poorly, and believes that this means they are 10 times more talented than those other engineers, when in fact it seems means that they are an ass hole.

10x adjective

  1. When applied to an engineer, generally means "an ass hole." When applied to an engineer by him or herself, means "an unusually incompetent ass hole."

  2. When applied to work or a project, warns that one should avoid being assigned to it. For example, a "10x effort" project means that employees will be expected to work 12 hour days, Monday through Saturday, without being given a pay raise.

Privacy-conscious - adjective - Describes a company that will sell your data to the Chinese, but probably not the Russians or the Americans unless they offer a lot of money.

A/B testing - noun - A process by which companies try out worse designs on a subset of users before eventually adopting them globally.

Diversity - noun - Employing white and asian women from upper middle class backgrounds in addition to (but also in roles subordinate to) white and asian men from upper middle class backgrounds.

Agile - adjective - Used to describe companies with even-worse-than-standard QA processes.

Startup - noun - An agile company funded by venture capitalists.

Open Source - adjective - Software whose source code is distributed freely. Generally used by multi-billion dollar companies, and written by developers who are not paid for their work.

Smart - adjective - Describes a device with at least 20 critical unpatched security holes that can connect to the internet. This device allows you, and anyone else with an internet connection, to control it from your phone. Examples include lights, smoke detectors, and refrigerators.

Connected - adjective - The same as smart, but with at least 30 unpatched security holes.

Independent Contractor - noun - An employee whose benefits, and possibly wages, are currently being stolen by a multi-billion dollar "underdog" in order to make a group of between 2 and 15 white and asian men extremely rich.

Entrepreneur noun

  1. A person under 30 who tells fantasy stories to venture capitalists in exchange for millions of dollars.

  2. An independent contractor.